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8 January 2020

Mood song: Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir.

That song is the theme song for the my tie together novel, if I get that far.  This is me, since when have I ever finished a writing project?  Before college.  The projects I did in college doen’t count.  Kashmir is the perfect theme song for the final book of the ‘epic’ story.

I’m sitting in a Starbucks, writing this post out.  For some reason the light’s are swaying and it is rather distracting.  It’s like the lights are some how affected by the winds outside.  I’m asking why I don’t try chatting it with the coffee girl.  Why I don’t try chatting it up with women.  Oh yeah, there’s that bit where I feel self-conscious.  Doesn’t matter, when I do try chatting it up, I end up mucking it up anyways.
I didn’t go to my writer’s group tonight.  First Wednesdays, the main moderator isn’t there.  The writer, I’m not as fond of will read something.  Then the following Wednesday he reads the thing he read the previous week, not that I wanted to hear it the first time.  Last year the writer read the same scene over four times in a row.

One of my friends got fired over the holiday season.  I’m not sure how much of a friend he was.  I’m kind of thinking that he had an idea that it was coming.  He was asking a ton of questions about my personal life.  I’m so trusting.  Sometimes I replay the conversation so that I have more trigger words.  I’m sure he could reach out to other friends, say nasty thing about me and whatnot.  Most of my friends hate me to begin with.  Most of them don’t want to have anything to do with me.  New Year’s Eve is evidence of that.  But still I must be more careful.  Not that it matters, since I decided to dedicate my Saturdays to writing, I’m not going to the cigar shop and the craft beer shop, in essense, I’m cutting myself off from my friends.

So I didn’t get much writing done of the last couple of days.  I have these moments of intense clarity, then I go through days of intense self doubt.  I need to write a poem or two or three for Saturday.  I know the idea I want to write out and will work on it.  It may be a long poem about Persephone.  I really love Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire.  She describes this world her protagonist had visited.  I loved the description of it, a lot.  It inspires ideas and stories.

I’m thinking that fairy tales was a bad idea for the theme of the month.  I end up spending more time writing the haiku than I wanted.  Honestly, I wanted to quit writing the haiku about three or four years ago.  They make me feel small.  But my mum enjoyes them.  So the next few days I will work on my long poem and then on Saturday, I’ll get back to writing my current project.  It’s important, regardless of what I think.  What I need to do is write about being different and how it’s okay to be different.


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